Imagine, for a moment, your ideal partner. He or she may not have been part of any of the relationships you have experienced so far. On the other hand, the person you imagine may be your spouse or significant other. The "who" is not important for this exercise. Now imagine that ideal person’s face as you want it to look. Does it have a smile or a scowl?
If you said it has a scowl, make an appointment with me fast! And not because I wear a scowl, but because you need help.
Whom Do We Choose...And Who Chooses Us?
Most of us want the significant relationship in our life to be someone who genuinely smiles a lot, whose eyes sparkle, who is filled with fun energy, and who is someone we consider to be "good company". Of course, this is not enough foundation for building a lifelong healthy relationship, but it is a start. It is the ability to smile, to have fun and to involve others that help to attract the opposite sex.
Smiling Is A Vital Social Cue
Smiling is one of the first things we do as conscious humor beings – beings who are born with a sense of humor. An infant smiles, perhaps without knowing why, to say that it is non-threatening. It is a gesture of reassurance. It says "I will not hurt you, and you should not hurt me. I am of good humor."
What works for us as infants also works as adults. If men want to attract women, or women want to attract men, what is the first thing they do when their eyes meet? They smile – perhaps shyly, perhaps hardly noticeably, maybe it’s just a slight facial twitch. But the message is clear: "I like what I see and I hope you will like me." It is the initial tentative step in any friendly relationship.
Of course, one smile does not guarantee another in return. You might get a scowl. That’s a definite message to keep away. Smiles and scowls are primordial signals of encouragement or warning employed by all mammals and crossing all language barriers.
Take a dog, for instance. If it is pleased to see you, it has a grin from ear to ear and its tail wags crazily. Bared teeth, on the other hand, leave no mistaken impression that you are welcome. One false step and you’ll need a patch in your trousers. We don’t speak "doggish", though the language is clear. Smiles and scowls avoided fights to the death in prehistoric times – and sometimes do today.
Smiling Is A Precursor To Bigger And Better Things!
So you gaze across a crowded room, smiling for three hours? Clearly, the smile is just the beginning, the message that says: "I am safe to approach," and implicitly asks the question: "Are you?" An answering smile means at least that there is no danger. Now, you need to follow up in some appropriate fashion.
"I’m in love with you, will you marry me?" is clearly not appropriate. In this respect, we are not like dogs. There is a protocol or acceptable behavior to follow. The next step is to get the other person to like us, and to find out if we like them. Go back to what you want your ideal partner to be like. One of the things most of us want in a relationship is fun - and my special prescription, The Fun Factor is the best way to learn the fun attitude that attracts mates in droves!
That does not mean we want to listen to corny jokes all day. It means pleasurable activity, and the prospect of such activity in a loving relationship.
After the smile, that first approach needs to be relaxed and to relax the other person. Will talking about you do it? Hardly, if that’s how you open a conversation. Do this too soon and you could destroy a potential relationship before it even begins. Why should the other person be interested in you, what you do and what you think? Ask about the other person? That’s better. That person’s life is more likely to be of interest to them than yours is. And when the other person does the talking, they think you are a great conversationalist.
But it’s still too early for that. Starting with a serious conversation is usually a mistake, though it is frequently made.
Becoming Childlike Is The Key To Forming Lasting Healthy Relationships
Why should forming a new relationship be so difficult when it was so easy for us early in our lives? If you need proof of how easy it was, watch two infants able to crawl but not yet able to talk. Listen to the gurgles they make to one another, and the squeals of delight. They have not yet learned embarrassment, shyness, timidity, to be afraid of rejection. No one told them yet to fear others, that some would not be friendly or welcome them.
They can’t talk, but they already know how to have fun with each other.
Watch them when they are four. They will play together for hours, chattering away, inventing games with seemingly unlimited imagination. They form attachments and real friendships. No one taught them how. They just let their curiosity take over. They still have little experience with embarrassment. No one has explained relationships, they simply happen naturally.
You know what? There are no rules other than being natural and having fun. Only when a child enters school, where rules and discipline have to be enforced to maintain order, does innocence start to give way to the realities of a world in which not all is pleasant and fun. Only then, as a rule, are they taught not to speak to strangers because strangers can be dangerous.
The Key To A Great, Healthy Relationship...Become The Person You Desire
The same is true now. There is no cookie-cutter set of rules for attracting the opposite sex. What works for one couple does not work for another. But there are some constants. One of them is to use The Fun Factor to be a fun-loving person, remembering the simplicity and lack of deviousness of small children. An appropriate sense of fun and good humor can be the trigger for that magic spark that can turn into love.
When you have revealed a sense of humor that is attractive to the other person, you will have the opportunity to show that you are also a caring person, kind-hearted, loving, attentive, good parent potential, protective and all the other things in whatever combination is attractive to your potential partner. And you will be able to find out the same things about them. Then, you can become more committed.
But first, you will have to pass the fun test. Is there still a small child in you?
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